For the majority of my adult life, the distraction of money, the fact that it is needed for daily life, seemed like the hurdle that got in the way of what life was supposed to be about. Even though, I had a job that I viewed as missional, a science teacher in a public school, I usually felt like my hands were tied when it came to how I really wanted to help the kids. It trashed a lot of my ideals and left me wanting…wanting to have a REAL impact, lasting, eternal impact on all the youth I encountered. It seems we strive for financial independence so that we can live a life unencumbered to serve God to the fullest. Well, here I am, living a life basically unencumbered by the restrains of a “job” that eats up most of my day, and I am left wanting…basically in the same place I was those years ago feeling like I really want to my life to count for something bigger than who I am, still searching for my place. The irony huh?
Irony, yeah, that word resonates with me now. I thought I was leaving a desert time, moving to the land of green, rain, and life. A life that would be integrated into community, team, common mission, a tribe if you will, only to find a year later, none of it materialized. Now what? Prolonged desert time? More pruning, preparation? More grief and loss? For what purpose? For how long?
A stream of failed attempts at wanting this life, that is what I have. The thing is, none of the failed attempts have been rooted in moral collapse like you usually hear about. Politics have defiantly tainted and wreaked havoc, which always catches me off guard (shame on me). Looking for someone to blame, I guess, but what would that solve?
Still I read that God is with me, for me and loves me. I read about many great leaders who had many years of desert times, years and years of time we know little about, and God was ever present in those unknown years. But I am just an ordinary chick just wanting my life to be full, full of God, adventure and meaning. I long for action, done dreaming of what might be. But for now… I am encouraged to look for the gifts in this time, this prolonged desert time.
